19 January – 5th day of chemo

The things I’m grateful for today:

1. Another day of life, another chance to slay the beast.

2. The way the late afternoon sun turns the outside walls of the hospital such a beautiful pink gold.

3. My kind, compassionate and sometimes really fun to talk to nurses.

4. The sound of water. Last night I was listening to a recording of falling water, softly played Tibetan gongs and low, sonorous chanting during my chemo infusion. WOW.

The day dawned beautiful, bright and clear, and as I’m on the eighth floor of the hospital I have a decent view from one part of my window. I’m taking this as a good omen, because my last two chemo treatments (for this go-around, anyway) are scheduled for this morning.

I had my very first minor melt-down this morning at the end of breakfast. It started when my cup of pills arrived and I was attempting to whark them down. One of the ten tiny uncoated steroid pills, horribly bitter, got stuck on the back of my tongue and wouldn’t go down. I eventually gagged and spit it out, then sat and shook and cried for a while, wondering just how the hell I was going to take the rest (I had a total of 16 pills this morning). I had to take them, though, I had no choice, so I was eventually successful. I don’t know that I’ll EVER want to take another pill in my life! Pill PTSD.

Aah, the Red Devil. 15 minutes of chemo infusion that will make me urinate in technicolor and cause my hair to fall out. Bring on the head scarves!

Another 15-minute round. Aaaaand…I’m done! For now, anyway.

Ugh. I don’t think I can face lunch. I ordered a light chef salad but it doesn’t look at all appealing. I think my appetite is starting to check out.

Not much to report this afternoon and evening, other than I was finally, for the first time in a week, able to feel the sun on my face from a hallway window that faced west. Good Lord, no wonder hospitals can be such gloomy places. So little natural light!

Wow. I don’t think I’ll have to take any pills tonight! My head just might explode. Oh, damn… jinxed it. Here comes the nurse now with a little cup o’ meds. O_o