10 August

GRATITUDES:
1. That first sip of coffee first thing in the morning
2. Curling up with a much-loved book
3. A pigeon coming to say hello on my window sill

I really wish I had a small window insert that I could open in this room. I could leave out little snack offerings to the bird (or birds) that have come to peak in my windows. Yes, I know, pigeons are really just air-borne rats, but I like their funny little throaty voices and their fat, wobbly flight paths. They are definitely NOT the most graceful of flyers. I also wish I had swallows or swifts on this side of the hospital. There seemed to be quite a few of them that I could see from my room when I was on the south side of the south tower two years ago. Swallows are amazing in flight, almost impossibly fast and hard to track, and their mid-air course corrections would put any fighter jock pilot to absolute shame.

Another bright, sunny morning! I had a bit of a hard time falling asleep last night after each interruption (midnight labs, 4am vitals check) so I slept in a bit and finally bolted out of bed at 7:30 when I realized that the sun had already begun pouring through the window blinds. I stumbled around for a bit in a half-awake fog, going through my morning routine of room tidying and coffee making before breakfast arrived. Now I’m parked in a sunbeam and sleepy again.

What is this with the sleepiness? It’s after lunch and I’m still fighting a nearly overwhelming desire to curl up and nap. I certainly don’t have anywhere to go, I have nothing on my calendar except lying around and being a blob, but I can’t quite bring myself to sleep through the afternoon. Plus, it must be floor-polishing day here on the eighth floor because there’s a guy out in the hallway operating a rather noisy floor Zamboni. Hey, at least the floors will be clean. I wish I had a soft fluffy pair of socks and no ball and chain to drag around – I might try my luck at skidding down the hall, except that it would give my nurses the conniptions. The poor dears… With all the other crap they have to deal with, that wouldn’t be fair. I heard a patient down the hall go apoplectic yesterday, and I’m sure it was the same guy to whom one of my nurses had just given some strong painkillers. Pain can do horrible things to a normally level-headed person. I know that when I had my mouth sores I was definitely NOT in what I would call a charitable state of mind. Honestly, I was a snarling, whining, pathetic wreck, but I tried my hardest never to take it out on my nurses. It’s virtually never their fault anyway, they do their best to help their charges, but some patients still get loud.

I’ve binged on three episodes of “The Handmaid’s Tale” today and I’m beginning to think that was a mistake. My mood has taken a nosedive, similar to when I binged on “Breaking Bad” while in the hospital for my initial rounds of chemo over two years ago. I’ll have to counter all that desperate gloom with something fluffy and uplifting or I may continue to spiral. Not good.

Fluffy sweet film (Pixar’s “Inside Out”) has been viewed, mood has been realigned, and now it’s time for bed.😊

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