10 October (day +11)

1. My nurses
2. A good wi-fi connection
3. Watching the dawn from my hospital window


I’m getting very, VERY tired of the hospital grind: the constant nightly wake-ups, the less than great food, the bone-dry filtered air in my room, logging in every milliliter of water, either consumed or excreted, the crushing boredom… This has been a very hard cycle for me. A few weeks before my admission, I was thinking that it wouldn’t be much different than a regular chemo cycle, but then Reality grabbed me by the nose hairs and slapped the ever-loving shit out of me. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, lethargy, headaches, radiation burn, water retention, more hair loss… Yep, the hits keep right on coming.

I’ve been told that I may go home in about a week but I’m not going to put much stock in that. In order for that to happen, my blood cells would have to multiply exponentially and honestly, I don’t see that happening. My hopes of being home in time for my birthday are beginning to fade, but I can’t allow myself to think of things like that right now. Mostly I just need to keep my head down, eyes on the ground, and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. This is a marathon to beat all marathons and I want to finish it relatively intact. Yep, I know I’m being a bit of a Debbie Downer but after all I’ve been through, I think I can allow myself a day or two of whinging self-pity. I just can’t make a habit of it because it would be far too easy to slip onto that dark path, throw my hands up and call it quits.